Joan Didion
Joan Didion realized in her 28th year that: “ It is distinctly possible to stay too long at the fair.”
Her realization came with a lot of crying in the elevators, taxis, and Chinese laundries, “ I hurt the people I cared for and insulted the ones I don’t.”
She left New York for California that year.
I’ve always resonated deeply with her, ever since reading the piece “On keeping a notebook”. She got her first notebook from her mother and started writing her imagination and observation down at 5, I got mine from my father at the same age and have always been “keeping a notebook” with me wherever I go.
So you would’ve imagined, in my 28th year that I finally realized: “ It is distinctly possible to stay too long at the fair.”
I cried a lot in the elevators, taxis, grew my first white ( grey? ) hair, and developed insomnia. I left the cared ones on “seen” and “read," and waited for a text that would never come.
I left Shanghai that year.
I think part of the reason why we travel is that we want to escape from our usual surroundings. We travel across the ocean in the hopes that the water would block our past right? We climb mountains, yes because “ it’s there”, but also it’s higher than our lives, with a different attitude, we may gain fresh perspectives.
So the biggest escape of my life began, at any given moment, I was packing and unpacking, traveling from zone to zone.
I didn’t have the sense of “ home” for almost three years, maybe even now. I have a house of course, where there’s the bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom, but I left it behind so often that I can hardly say I live there. I have one giant suitcase with me (green ofc ) and that’s it.
Then I stopped.
I am still traveling, maybe more than anyone during this strange time, but I no longer escape. I made peace with myself. I have to.
I still remember the day after walking out of a Costa, crying uncontrollably in the streets of London, and it was in that afternoon a friend sent me a song. “Let It Happen” by Tame Impala. “ For a moving on to better things mindset! ” She wrote.
I wouldn’t say that song saved me, but it did help me to get out of a bad headspace and made some clear decisions and that led to the life I’m having now, and for that, I’m forever grateful.
I was thinking aggressively over something that’s not in my control and the frustration and the powerless feeling hunted me for as long as I can remember. While I let time does its magic, I turned for help. The nights were long and I used them to paint, write, read and dance.
It’s working, but it takes time. So Much Time.
Joan Didion moved back to New York, eventually, 20 years after.
There’s no rush for me either, apparently.
All photos and words are my own.