Two days before my birthday, I had this weird yet vivid dream that I am someone’s wife.  

That certain someone is real but I rarely talk to anyone about. The whole dream was like a movie scene, we were dancing at the wedding, we were kissing under the stars, we had two babies and then he died. 

I won’t bore you with all the details but at the end of the dream, I was holding one baby on my arm and the other in my hands, smiling at their dad as he walked into the light.  

I know, very Nicholas Sparks.

Now hear me out. 

I was told that if you dreamed of someone dying, they are going to live a very long life which has proven to be true. I had this nightmare that I lost my grandpa when I was little and he lived until 97. So don’t feel bad for their dad, really.  

The part that hunted me and I couldn’t stop thinking about is marriage and kids. 

Is my subconscious saying something to me?  It can’t be the biological clock is ticking right? I’m barely thirty. 

For the longest time, I’m prepared to be the cool fun rich single aunt to all my nephews and nieces, godsons, and goddaughters, biological or adopted. You know, all the children, as long as I don’t have to have them myself. 

So what does it say? I’m not as cool as I thought? 

I believe in long companionship when I’m awake, but when my head hits the pillow and all of sudden I want a contract of that companionship?

Puzzled. 

So I did what every girl would do in this situation, I turned to my friends for help. 

One said the “everything is opposite in the dream” theory should apply to all the elements. That the man will live a long happy life and I will be the happy single auntie. Hmm, make sense, but why the trouble? 

The other friend is more leaning toward the fact he died in the dream meaning maybe I want to have kids in an unconventional way?

I then received a birthday video call from another girlfriend who was kinda shocked by the statement I had and told me that she always envisions me living in this big mansion in the countryside with my husband and one kid at least. “ The dream is your subconscious speaking to you! ” Could she be right?

All the analysis aside, they all had one question in common: “ Who is the guy?” 

Hmm, nosy. 

I’ve never invested so much in a dream but I do pay a little bit extra attention to the ones before a special occasion. 

Now it’s 20th everywhere in the world and I’m officially a year older, and hopefully wiser. As a being of rituals, or a very slacking writer (ahem), I do feel the need to pen something in these unusual times. 

Can people change?

I don’t think so. We evolve, for sure, but to change who we are? Maybe NEVER.  

But before we stay true to ourselves, do we really know who we are?

Apparently, my subconscious and consciousness can’t even agree upon.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the subject I’m going to explore in this brand new year. 

I may not know exactly what I want, but I know one thing for sure: little mermaid gave her voice up for a man and that’s fucked up.

Consciously, and subconsciously.