Note: I had written the following words back in October 2018, a lot of things and my thoughts towards certain things are inevitably changed since then. However, in respect of the past, I decided to keep the original text.
“ Are you sure to book the tickets? ” —— The 4 am decision
Do you remember the feeling of being alive? What is the last time you see a car and notice the color? And how long has it been since you watched people into their eyes on the street and smiled?
If I am completely honest, I don’t remember any of that.
Life can be lossy and tough sometimes, special when you are twenty-something. Every little hiccup can be a drama that you need to scream, cry, or better, smash something to release the pain. But twenty-something is also the easiest to be rescued, a spa treat, a new hairdo, or a trip, sometimes can just do the wonder.
It was one of these nights that I was rolling from one side of the bed, to the other, tried everything I can to fall asleep so that I can look slightly fresh and ready for that 10 am event with grace and glam. But my dear friend, don’t we just know already that if you go to bed with the need of getting up early, you somehow, always, fail to fall asleep.
And about 3 am, getting up is no longer my concern, my brain has thought about approximately 25,000 different versions of how my life would be if not like this, I just felt like I was drowning, I couldn’t breathe, so I got up, went to the kitchen for water and sat back to my desk, not my bed, my desk. I turned up the light, cried a bit, and started to write. I’ve read this sentence somewhere years back, a rough translation would be: if you are crying but still walking, you can be saved. Somehow this stuck with me all these years.
Well, writing is my version of walking, when in doubt, I always, always go for writing. Not necessary anything I would post or publish later, but just so to keep me sane. I felt a lot better when the first ray of morning sun shone by my window, but not enough, I knew I need another trip, despite the fact I have just returned from a wonderful two weeks trip not long ago to England, I wanted to go somewhere far, somewhere nobody knows my name. So even all friends thought the destination of my trip this time is so random, I knew I chose the right one. And oh boy am I glad I came to the West Coast!
The decision I made at 4 in the morning led to a life-changing adventure. And the stories I am about to tell involves people I adore who, however, hadn’t mastered the language of Chinese just yet, thus, I’m actually going to use my degree to show my gratitude to the people in Canada: thank you for saving me when I was drowning.
“ Sweetheart, you will be fine. ” —— To my lovely T
I love every single taking off, the thrust of pushing us up to the sky, is just something magical. I was nervous of course, it’s been a while since I traveled alone to a place where no one I know awaits on the international arrival.
I had an empty seat next to me, and by the window sat an Indian girl, I asked her if I can take the extra blanket from the empty seat, instead of replying the question, she said to me: “I am sooo happy someone can speak my language! I stuck in the airport for 12 hours and nobody can understand me.” ( Beijing airport)
We immediately liked each other and started to talk. Sometimes you just wonder how the universe works. I thought I was drowning, well, if so, then this girl, this wonderful, smart Oxford educated architect, is 5000 foot deeper in the ocean than me. (Actually I don’t know how deep that is and I don’t know why I’m using foot, but you get the point.)
It explains the sorrow in her face, it is why when I asked her before if she’s going home, she paused for a moment, nodded, smiled and said yes.
It was a beautiful sunset that day when we decided to meet for dinner. I got back from Granville Island, took the ferry to Yale town, poor girl just got back from the hospital. She suffered jet lag and couldn’t sleep at all. Funny thing though, her doctor suggested w**d as the solution, I mean, go Canada! She described the shopping experience, I somehow had an image of Chinese pharmacy back in the day, an old pharmacist with glasses on, reading the doctor’s note and taking 1 or 2 grams herb from one small squared drawer one at a time. How weird!
One friend said I’m a magnet that attracts the same people to me, or rather people with similar stories, judging on the facts, I can’t really argue with that, although I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing, I’m gonna go ahead and call it a blessing. She and I went through almost the exact same thing but crashed harder. But she’s also this girl, who keeps telling me” Sweetheart, you will be fine. ”
We all will be fine at the end, and the part while we are busy trying to figure it out in between, is called “Life.”
I don’t remember anything from the menu, but I got IDed by the waitress and not gonna lie, that made my night:)
T took me to her secret garden after dinner. It was a long walk but so worth it. We sat on the bench, looking at the reflection of the lights on the water. Unlike the East coast, Vancouver is a glass city. ( I can’t help but wonder: where do they hang their paintings?) The water was so still and was mirroring almost everything from the other side of the creek.
“So peaceful.”
We just quietly sat there and said nothing at all.
My head started to act like a jungle and I thought a lot of things: “Why am I here, why I did this, why sometimes things just don’t work out, and how funny when they do. Why people change, why I change, why nothing is forever, why am I a human, why Canada, why anything?”
But then at some point, I just stopped thinking. I guess I wasn’t really looking for the elaboration of “Everything happens for a reason.” Whatever happened, brought me here, at this very moment, and made me who I am today. Isn’t it?
T, you said, “Sometimes you think you know people since forever yet fail to know them ever, but you are the kind of person I didn’t know at all, yet it felt like I have known you since forever.”
The feeling is mutual my darling. I know it’s sad that someone we thought we knew before is now just strangers with all of our secrets, but I promise there will be lights at the end of the tunnel and boy are we going to reach there fast.
We started to walk back as the night got darker and passed this installation in the water: “Should I be worried? ”
“NO.” Both of us shouted out!
Ah, sweethearts, we all will be fine.
(To be continued)
All photos my own shot in Vancouver, Canada.